Life's been moving at a pretty fast pace these few weeks. Whether it was school, intense mugging sessions, exams or just hanging out while weekends are spent partying like rockstars.

It's funny how I reflected over the weekend and realised how much I've changed in the past few weeks. Who would have thought that I'd be here today?

I used to be so depressed, that I'd cry at work, in school, at home and even when I was with friends. It was disturbing how suicidal thoughts crept into my mind and became untolerable. Every smile on my face was a mask of my dying, bleeding heart. A friend said to me, "Babe, I can see how fragile you are despite the smile on your face. The slightest mention of anything can trigger your tears and panic attacks. I can see through you."

Although I made the first decision to end things, I'll never get over being fooled into giving it one last shot and then replaced, within days/weeks of having a heavy commitment dropped on me with promises of a future together.

Well, I certainly have come a long way. I wouldn't say that I've recovered from a heartbreak down, but I'm coping. I really am. I still think about D every morning and every night, but I'd like to see it as recollections and memories of this person that I loved with all my heart.

Sometimes when I think about it, I don't see myself with him, yet somehow, I can still picture a future with him. Ironic much? But these chapters of my life are over now. All that I can do is re-read these memories of us like a book and relive the good times through words and pictures, evidently still depicted in my blog.

I certainly still do feel the heartache knowing how things have come to this, but it is what it is isn't it? It's funny how people that I've known through him come up to me and say things like, "I feel bad for you" or "Are you drinking so much because you're upset he's got a girlfriend?" or "Just move on la, there's so much waiting for you."

Well, it really isn't about who moves on the fastest. It is about dealing with my problems, my feelings and emotions and getting over the situation in the best possible way for myself. I don't want to make the same mistake of moving on with a rebound, because it wouldn't be fair to that person, knowing I still have these lingering feelings for D. This time, I want to do things right. For the people around me and more importantly, for myself.

It's hard to forget every detail that I made sure was etched in my memory. Like every mole on your face, the way you laughed, how you used to look at me and how mornings were best when it was waking up next to you. I kept my promise of telling you every day, that I love you and as selfish as I am, I remember telling you that, I just want you to be happy. I still do.

But over the last partying session, as I was embracing the temporary high and having a smoke, it dawned about me how I don't get fainting spells or end up bawling or pass out after each session anymore. All these weeks, nothing but good times. I'm glad, I really am.

I'll always remember how you are my Christmas; the first time we met. This Christmas would be the first that we'll be spending apart. Maybe someday we'll cross paths again, but until then, I wish you joy and love.

Labels: Love, Random